CONVERSATION WITH A MARRIED MAN

There is a good feeling that comes with a man sliding in your DM on Instagram. Even if he is not the best looking or most eloquent, you tend to find it flattering. Of course, the first message he sends as well as the collection of pictures on his wall are factors that determine whether you accept the request or respond at all, but I have a rule that I must respond no matter. It is the courteous thing to do.

In my DM encounters, I have had younger men, older men and even lesbians chat me up, but never a married man. I guess that was why I kind of found the conversation I had with Mayowa* – the first married man to slid in my DM- yesterday super exciting. Also, there was the fact that I had just read an article from the NY Times -a confession of a married woman who had cheated with other men and had the most exceptional justification for extra marital affairs, and I was presented with a good opportunity to throw in some of the ideas I got from that article in our conversation and see his responses.

In general, it is not a secret that a lot married men in Nigeria are still on the prawl for women who can give them sex, despite their wives at home. The subject of married men being in the right to cheat on their wives has been a controversial one which has lingered over the years. While staying faithful to a spouse is the moral and even sometimes religious thing to do, many have come up with justifications on why its should be allowed and sustained as a norm in Nigeria despite the modern times. I found Mayowa’s justification quite exhilarating and though that it warrants discussion.

Here’s an excerpt from our rather long and intense conversation 

Nkem: So many questions to ask…

Mayowa: Lol. I know.

Mayowa: Ok… I turned 32 on Thursday….I can see the grey hair creeping in. Lol. I work with an engineering company. I’m in London this week…was in Amsterdam last week…no rest for the wicked they say.

Nkem: Oh really? Sounds like a colourful life. Happy belated birthday anyway.

Nkem:But essentially, you live in Nigeria though. Yes?

Mayowa: Yea

Mayowa: It has its ups n downs but I love travelling, so its alright.

Nkem: So, when are you back?

Mayowa: In two weeks

Nkem: Oh great

Mayowa: So…you are quite attractive . I guess a lot of people slide into your DM?

Nkem: LOL. Not really.

Nkem: The ones that do mostly just want sex and that’s not my speed.

Nkem: It’s been difficult finding someone who can offer interesting conversation

Mayowa: I agree, but that’s life on steroids. Where else can u meet 100 people in one minute?And at that rate…u go through a whole lot of crap in same time

Nkem: Lol. Yh.

Nkem: So, are you single, married or you are about to be married?

Mayowa: Yea

Nkem: Yea, you are single or yeah you are married? Or you are about to be married?

Mayowa: Married

Nkem: Lol. Oh ok.

Nkem: At 32. That’s really cool.

Uche: U?

Nkem: I’m single.

Mayowa: Quit joking. I know you are not.

Nkem: I most definitely am. lol.

Mayowa: What?No suitors chasing u?

Nkem: Lol. There will always be people chasing

Mayowa: Lol. Ahah!

Nkem: Point is ….how well do we connect?

Nkem: I’m not the subservient kinda girl. Most guys are intimidated by that.

Mayowa: U wanna wear the pants or share em?

Nkem: share them

Mayowa: ok. that isnt so bad

Nkem: Not a lot of men will agree to that

Nkem: So…aren’t you worried your wife wld be mad you are on Instagram liking another woman’s pictures and sliding in their DMs?

Mayowa: What u don’t know won’t hurt you…

Nkem: Really? Lol. So you don’t want to hurt her, but you lie to her instead.

Mayowa: It’s not necessarily a lie if you don’t confess the truth. Its just kinder to keep things under wraps.

Nkem: Well, personally, I’d rather know.

Mayowa: No, you don’t want to know. lol

Nkem: I am serious. I’ld rather he says to me : ‘Look, babe, I love you and the kids but I need more female attention in my life. Can I just have the occasional fling or a casual affair?’ 

Mayowa: Lol. Okay, you are mad. If I asked her that kind of question, it would kill her.”

Nkem: Lol. You don’t know that.

Nkem: wait…what if you came across her chats with another man in her DM on IG someday? would you be so flippant about it?😒

Nkem: I’m not trying to judge. I’m just curious

Mayowa: Flippant? Am I being flippant atm?

Nkem: uhmmm…are you?

Mayowa: lol. I don’t know tbh

Mayowa: I may be upset that I found out

Nkem: lol. I love that you are honest

Mayowa: We all need our secrets. The ying and the yang have to exist for perfect harmony. We just need to know what that is

Mayowa: Some go into marriage thinking that one person will fill all the boxes… I have different views on that

Nkem: lol. No one person can fill all the boxes. That’s a very myopic perception

Mayowa: Well a lot of people do have that opinion

Nkem: You get with someone because you are sure you can cope without the things they cannot offer or you can balance it out

Nkem: isn’t that what commitment is supposed to be about? I mean… I dunno, I havn’t been in a committed relationship in a long time now

Mayowa: They check some boxes…you forget other boxes because of the euphoria of love at that time then it hits you later

Nkem: hmmm…

Nkem: So…if you don’t mind me being forward…hv you cheated on your wife yet?

Mayowa: Bold question…

Mayowa: Have u ever cheated? If so, why?

Nkem: I asked first. don’t be a scaredy cat. Lol.

Mayowa: I asked second

Mayowa: Spit it out

Nkem: I’ll answer second. Let’s not do this. You can’t be giving me this typical uptight naija BS. You are supposed to be cool. No?

Nkem: lol. talk to me. I promise I’ll tell you mine

Mayowa : I’ll answer u truthfully

Mayowa : U can be sure of that

Nkem: as you shld

Mayowa: Yes, I have cheated on her.

Nkem: once or a regular thing?

Mayowa: U don’t get a follow up question without answering mine

Nkem: How about we finish with you then we move on to me?

Mayowa: Not fair. But okay.

Mayowa: More than once…but wont say regularly.

Nkem: Actually, I guess what I meant was, have you had one night stands or affairs?

Mayowa: I am demisexual. There must be a connection before any action. But I wont quite call them affairs…but not one night stands either.

Nkem: You have to pick one

Mayowa: Affairs connote a long period of time. I’m yet to meet someone that will hold my attention that long

Nkem: Hmmmn

Nkem: So…what did you omit when you were checking boxes with your wife. What cant she offer now or …to keep it simple, why do you cheat on her now?

Mayowa: Lol. Ok, now I feel awkward. You are making it sound so grave.

Nkem: lol. isn’t it grave?

Mayowa: I please the 5th

Nkem: Not allowed here. lol. come on, let’s keep the wheel rolling. 😊

Mayowa: ok. here’s the thing. Married sex, after a while feels obligatory. Having sex outside of it feels like an adventure.

Nkem: so you seek adventure. Why not spice thing up with your wife, or opt for an open marriage instead…even if only for a while.

Mayowa: Lol. Please who are you?

Mayowa: I couldn’t do that. she would never agreed to that. I can’t even ask. I wouldn’t want to hurt her that way. I do love her you know.

Nkem: My point is, you should be able to talk honestly and openly about your sex life with the woman you are married to, and that should include being able to at least raise the subject of sex outside of marriage.

Mayowa: LOL. ok. you really are an interesting one.

***

Not to sound eccentric, but Mayowa seemed to be quite an intelligent and interesting fellow, and I can imagine why any girl would fall for him despite the ring on his finger. Yet, I strongly feel that his assertions about why he cheats is BS.

Certainly, it is quite a tall order, having to have sex with the same man or woman consecutively for the rest of your life, but lying and cheating should not be the best way to go about it.

Having an affair and keeping it secret from your spouse is not you being kind and saving them from hurt, it is you being weak. You failing them and your marriage. When you start to feel a disconnect or a need for something or different, why can’t you instead discuss this with your spouse and find ways around it. If you need something and your spouse couldn’t give it to you, there is no way you would keep you from getting it elsewhere, as long they do not endanger your family in the process. Same should apply to your sex life. Shouldn’t it? There are ways to go about it than lying and cheating. Or am I wrong?

PS: The chat was edited to hide the identity of the man with whom I had the conversation.

Source: Bella Naija